i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
