great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
