Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
