were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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