I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
