I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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