We're like a lot better than the average bears
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize