i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
