I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
