My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
God I need to hump something, right now.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
