update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
