Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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