Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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