remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There's always time for handjobs
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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