I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
