I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Edward fifth and chaser hands
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
