so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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