You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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