i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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