just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
