I just pynch a tree in the face
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
