I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
