i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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