I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
