I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
