smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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