There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
