There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I would fuck him just for his dog
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
