I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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