I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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