So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
