my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
