trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
