I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I fill condoms, not promises.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
