her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
