yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
