You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
