i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
