I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
