You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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