was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
