I seem to have left my pride at pride
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
