Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
