I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I woke up under a house in Key West
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