Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize