If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
