Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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