the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
