so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
