I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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