i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We are all done wearing pants today
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