i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
