Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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