if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
