I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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