When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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