the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
