guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
