If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
