Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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