There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
