Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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