U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
